Happy Halloween from Liam the Garden Gnome (he pulled off his beard).  Liam is almost 15 months old and such a love.

My baby is sleeping while I'm up at 9:54 pm writing in my blog, being a yogic mom, a good enough mom.  What is that?  For me, it's being present with what is;  it's not being too busy or expecting too much.  It's allowing space for mistakes and growth.

My baby, Liam, is almost 9 months old now and it's been a whirlwind.  I wasn't married when I got pregnant and we weren't sure if we were going to stay together, so it's been nontraditional from the beginning.  I'm 39 and I really wanted a baby so I was blessed with one. 

I ended up going home to Washington from Colorado when I was seven months pregnant.  I had a lovely Blessing Way and so much love and support.  The baby's dad ended up flying out a week before I gave birth and stayed for a month after.  We had the sweetest first month in this lovely cottage my friend let us stay in.  His dad drove my car back to Colorado and I was going to meet him there in a few weeks.  So, off I went to Colorado and we were in the mountains, then at my Aunt and Uncle's in Denver, and then at our own place in Golden, Colorado.  This sounds very turbulent but in the yogic view I was just going with the flow and I felt a deep peace even though I was having many challenges.  

Once we were settled in Golden, Colorado I was experiencing postpartum anxiety which was making me depressed.  I suddenly realized I needed my family in Washington after an acupuncture session and promptly flew home and moved in with my Aunt Penny and Dad on Bainbridge Island, Washington and have been living here since.

What I've loved about my journey is that Liam has been able to spend time with so many people I love and treasure; my community in Olympia, my sisters in Portland, my friends in Colorado, my Aunt Chris and Uncle Willy in Colorado, and now we spend a ton of time with my Dad and Aunt and Mom.  My number one priority was always that Liam has a strong tribe and he already has that.  

What we focus on grows and I love to focus on what I have and what I love.  I have a beautiful baby boy who has a wonderful relationship with his Grandma Pat and Grandpa Chris and Aunt Penny (which if we stayed in Colorado he wouldn't have that at all especially during quarantine).  I've been able to stay home with Liam for the past nine months which I wouldn't have if I stayed in Colorado.  I've been able to have an early spring (In Colorado spring doesn't truly start until May or June).  I've been able to take long walks everyday (In Colorado I can sometimes but it also snows a lot and it's hard to walk in the snow).  

Tadpole (child's pose)
​3 minutes

Twisting Tadpole
1 minute on each side

Seated neck release
1 minute on each side

Down Dog or child's pose
​1 minute

Swan (pigeon)
​2-3 minutes on each side

Seal (Sphinx)
​2-3 minutes

Squat
​2 minutes

Wide Forward Fold
​2 minutes

Sivasana
​5- 20 minutes

It's a month and twenty days since I gave birth to my sweet and very expressive little boy.  I had such a different vision of what my birth and life would be like after having my baby.  I imagined a lot of blissful time cooking and working on my cookbook as my baby slept or relaxed on my body.  I envisioned walks to town and friends snuggling up my little guy.  I thought it would be so easy.  I also thought Liam, my baby, would just fall right out of my body with ease and grace.  The saying;  "God/Spirit laughs at us when we make plans" feels so right.

I didn't take childbirth classes because I decided to fly out to Washington during the time my childbirth classes started in Colorado.  I wasn't going to stay in Washington for the birth of my baby but that's what ended up happening because I needed the support of my friends and family back home.  I arrived in Olympia June 12th and had my baby a little less then two months later on August 4th.

My friend Kristen Rubis who was previously a doula gave me great materials to read and videos and I talked to friends about what I should do for the birth.  I read a book and made a birth plan.  I think taking the classes would have helped in building more community and having a little better perspective and tools for the labor.  We are always learning and growing.

I decided to give birth at Saint Elizabeth's Hospital in Enumclaw, WA, 1 1/2 hours away because it's the most natural hospital in the state; they don't give Hepatitis Vaccine when the baby is born (you can only contract hepatitis via blood, so why would a baby need this), they put the baby on you right after he comes out and they have him breastfeed right away, they don't do any testing on the baby until an hour after snuggling and bonding with the mom and dad, they wait for the umbilical cord to stop pulsing before cutting so that the baby can be fully nourished from the umbilical cord, they encourage natural childbirth and do everything possible before doing a c-section (they do less c-sections then any other hospital in the state), they have a birthing tub, and there are only three birthing rooms and five recovery rooms.

When I stared to have contractions my partner and I decided to drive over to Enumclaw and watch a movie just in-case I started to go into full blown labor.  By the time I arrived in Enumclaw my contractions were 4-5 mins apart and growing in intensity.  I called my sister from Starbucks and asked her what to do and she encouraged me to go to the hospital.  So, off we went.  

When we arrived they asked me a million questions and my body started to turn off and my mind turned on and my contractions almost stopped.  Ina May who is an incredible MidWife say's giving birth is like pooping, haha, you have to feel very relaxed and safe to poop just like you have to feel safe and relaxed to give birth.  So, we went up to the birthing rooms and I was only 2 cm, usually you don't go to the hospital until you are 4 cm or more.  But they gave me a few hours to see what would happen and voila, nothing.  I didn't progress so they sent me out to walk, go to dinner and see if I could get my labor going again.   

We went and watched Aladdin and feeling safe in the dark theater my contractions started again.  And then we walked to get frozen yogurt across a brightly lit strip mall and my contractions stopped. 

We were so frustrated that we came up with a million dollar idea and maybe one of you wants to create this; there could be a beautiful labor house where women who weren't far enough along to stay in the hospital but didn't want to go home could stay.  There would be massage, acupuncture, a chef, calm music, soaking tubs, yoga balls, and everything to help a woman continue to labor without pressure!  It feels so terrible to be sent home because your labor isn't progressing fast enough (I don't do well with these expectations).  Other women in my family have given birth in a car and an ambulance because they were sent away and couldn't return in time.

It happened to be the Highland Festival in Enumclaw and all the hotels were full and we didn't want to go back to Olympia because it was an hour and a half a way, so my sister rented us a deluxe room in Federal Way (30 mins away).  I had intense contractions all night, and I felt I could have had my baby that night but I willed it away because I didn't want to drive to the hospital and possibly be sent away.

So, I cried and moaned through the night while trying to watch A Star is Born and Bohemian Rhapsody.  Eventually morning came and I was exhausted from only being able to sleep off and on for 15-30 mins at a time.  We were able to rent another hotel room in Enumclaw and went there.  I continued to have intense contractions but they were every ten minutes instead of four minutes.  It sucked being buckled down for the experience.  

Eventually we made it to our hotel room in Enumclaw and again my contractions slowed down.  My sister arrived and made me walk which brought them back on, but a big part of me was saying; "why the F*** would I want these contractions that hurt so bad when It seems like I can stop them, I'll just keep my baby inside."  My sister knew this and was trying to encourage me to be okay with the pain and look forward to having my baby.

The challenge was I wasn't fully ready for my baby.  I had a place in Olympia that was set up but temporarily and my partner and I were figuring things out, it wasn't how I planned to have the baby and that was making my body not let go.  I felt like I was on a dock about to jump in the water but continuing to chicken out over and over.

I called one of my best friends and that helped and then my sister went home and it got dark and everyone was asleep and then my body went into full blown contractions that were the most intense yet.  I called the hospital and they let us come in.  We came in through the emergency entrance and only had five minutes of answering questions and they let me walk up.  I got halfway down the hall and started screaming because the contraction was so intense, a nurse asked if I wanted help but I knew it would pass and I could get to the room before another one would start.

I got up to the birthing area and my room with the birthing tub was already in-use so I had to use the room next door.  The nurse strapped me down to do readings on the baby and I had a terrible contraction and ended up ripping the wires off me, throwing up, and peeing myself because It was too much to be tied down.

She decided to do a wireless monitor, smart lady, and once all was good she took it off.
The room had a tub but it wasn't a birthing tub.  I jumped in and used it on my low back because of the excruciating pain I was having because my baby sunny side (his face was toward my belly and it should have been toward my back) up and pinching a nerve in my low back on each contraction.

They checked me to see if I was dilating every couple of hours and I was only opening 1/2 cm every 4 hours or more and the pain kept increasing.  By the next afternoon  (day 3) I was shaking from pain and only dilated to 5 or 6 cm and i needed t get to 10 cm.  So, I asked what the harm was in doing some pain killer and she made it seem like there wasn't much (the challenge is you get some reprieve and you don't want to go back to the full pain.)  I got an analgesic, fentanyl, which didn't get rid of the pain but reduced my awareness of the pain and had a calming effect for an hour.  I felt a little silly and loopy which was kind of fun after so much pain, but it also made the pain worse when It came back.  So, I asked for it again and the pain was tolerable and I was able to take a brief nap.  

I decided I wanted to try to flip the baby while I was on the fentanyl  and my friend Kari was willing to help.  So, we chatted on the phone and she told me different yoga poses I could do with the help of my partner and sister to flip the baby.  Kari told me if I went on hands and knees and had a fabric around my belly with my sister and David on each side pulling back and forth the baby would flip over.  I decided to give this a try and as a I went onto my hands and knees I had the worst contraction yet even while being on the fentanyl.  Right then and there I said; "fuck this, I'm doing an epidural."  

I always thought an epidural would be so numbing that you wouldn't be able to feel anything and the birth wouldn't be as meaningful or real feeling.  The anesthesiologist was this really funny guy in his early 40's.  He gave me the warning that every once in a while it doesn't numb the pain but makes you not be able to move your legs, which would be pure torture with the contractions.  He said It could give me a headache or nausea, and I would still have pain during labor from all the pressure of pushing my baby out.  I agreed to the possible side effects and he then put a needle into my back, that hurt, but was nothing compared to my contractions.  It went numb almost right away and I was in heaven.  Isn't it amazing how going from intense pain to neutral makes neutral feel incredible!  

But suddenly without the pain I started having intense anxiety; "where am I going to live long term with this baby?  Am I going to stay with my baby's dad?  Why didn't I figure this out earlier?  How can I take good care of this baby when I have so many unanswered questions?  My legs don't work, oh my goddess, my legs don't work."  So, I called a friend and poured my heart out and all my anxiety went away.  Suddenly, the nurse said; "get off the phone, the baby's heart is dropping."  I didn't even think about this.  So, she flipped me over and luckily that's all my baby needed and his heart rate went back to normal.

The nurses adjusted me into another side lying position to help flip the baby and then I fell asleep for a few hours.  While I was asleep my contractions went through the roof and suddenly I was at eight centimeters.  After a couple hours I woke up and when I was awake my contractions would slow down, it was as though I needed my brain out of the way for my contractions to turn on.  After an hour of no progression the doctor wanted to give me  pitocin.  My sister, who is a naturopathic doctor, suggested breaking my water instead since pitocin can inhibit bonding when the baby is born.  So, I asked the doctor to ask my baby if it was okay for her to break my water and I felt his energy say; "yes", so she broke my water.  Moments later I was dilated to 10 centimeters because his head came down onto my cervix pushing it open.

She told me to let her know when I felt ready to push; it should feel like continual pressure on my cervix.  I rested and noticed that I felt that pressure pretty soon after my water broke but I wasn't ready yet, so I didn't say anything for an hour or two.  I eventually felt enough energy and power from spirit to make my way through the last part of pushing him out.  

Dr. Wilke asked how I wanted to position myself for the birth and I told her that I wanted to do happy baby pose and she adjusted the stirrups so they went at a slight angle up from the table.  I asked how I was supposed to push and she said; "each time there is a contraction push on the exhale as hard as you can and do that three times."  So, that is what I did.  The pushing and contractions hurt but with a nice lion roar as I pushed it was so much easier. 

Pushing a baby out is very strange because I have never used those muscles before, at-least to push a baby out.  It kind of feels like you are pooping but not.  I'm so glad I had an epidural because the pain was barely tolerable, If there was more pain then what I had It would have overwhelmed me.  What really helped was I channeled the pain into my rage which made the pain almost empowering.  I made my a huge and long primal growl with each push and in-between the nurse would check the baby's heartbeat with a computer mouse looking tool and she would push down so hard that I yelled at her because that was my time for no pain, but she was giving me pain.  

Dr. Wilke suggested putting a monitor on my baby's head but he had so much hair it wouldn't stick on.  So, back to the nurse pushing down on my belly in-between all the contractions and me growling at her each time she did.  It's strange how I can hardly remember doing a lot of pushes but I was told I pushed for over an hour with one push almost having Liam's head all the way out when I felt like I was going to tear so I stopped pushing and Liam was "sucked back in" to where it took 10-15 more pushes to get him back out again.  

I always thought once the head was through you had to keep pushing, but once the head is out the rest of the baby easily comes out.  Dr. Wilke tried to hand the baby to me but my umbilical cord was too short so he was on my stomach until the cord stopped pulsing and David cut it.  Suddenly this little creature who was living inside me for nine months was in my arms looking at me.  It felt surreal.  They had me breastfeed right away since that is the baby's instinct and if they feed right away it makes the likelihood of them continuing to breastfeed much higher.  He fed right away and when he was done his dad took off his shirt and they had skin to skin time together.

Of course there were the side notes of birthing the placenta and then the nurse pressing on my stomach to dislodge any excess blood.  Birth is definitely pretty bloody.  After I could feel my legs fully they let me use the restroom with the nurse.  The nurse helped me rinse my private region with a water bottle and then gave me witch hazel pads and vagina numbing spray.  They give you hospital underwear and a giant diaper which you really need!  I was wheeled into our recovery room where we were thoroughly taken care of.  It was already late so the baby and I slept together through the night in our bed.  He woke a couple times to feed which made my uterus start to contract which really was uncomfortable.  Nobody told me about this.

We were in the new parent bliss where we ate off a lovely menu, snuggled our baby, watched shows, and had my sister and two of her sons come visit us.  We were so happy to have this little guy in our lives but also a little terrified.  His neck was strong for a newborn but still not super strong yet so feeding him and holding him was a little scary.  He looked just like his dad with my Irish skin.  He was born late at night on August 4th and they discharged us two days later on the 6th.

We were so terrified of driving with this tiny 6 lbs 11 ounce human for an hour and a half to the cottage that we were staying at in Olympia.  The baby was so terrified that I just gave him my pinky to suck on and he did just that for an hour and a half until we got home.  He was crying at the house and my mom, dad, brother, sister in-law, niece, and nephew were all there.  I felt so overwhelmed because I didn't know how to get him to stop crying and yet I had all this family here who wanted to hold him.  Luckily, my sister in-law knew to burp him and gave him a pacifier and that mostly settled him down.  

My family brought extra diapers, wipes, a bassinet, food, and so much goodness.  It was so helpful having friends and family come daily to nourish us and give me some company.  My friend Shauna organized a meal train where friends brought us meals each day for a couple weeks to help us get on our feet.

The crazy part about getting home is I just wanted to sleep for two or three days because I basically had major surgery but instead I was up every hour or two feeding and David was up every four hours to change his diaper.  And every time I fed him I would get these terrible contractions which are good because they were shrinking my uterus but also hard because they hurt.  So, day and night blurred together and we spent our time loving our new baby.  My sister encouraged me to mostly stay lying down for the first two weeks so that my pelvic floor could heal without the weight of my expanded uterus.  I was able to do that because of all our friends bringing food and David cooking and cleaning too.  

I had grand plans of working on my cookbook and working a month after he was born but I had no idea how much work having a new baby would be emotionally and physically.  He did sleep a lot but since I wasn't sleeping through the night I needed to sleep when he napped during the day.  ​

​Happy Spring (It's still snowy here, but it's melting and I don't need a hat most days or gloves)!  I've been in hibernation mode for the last few months.  I'm almost 22 weeks pregnant with a little boy and I've spent a lot of time reading, doing restorative yoga, taking walks, massaging tourists, and teaching yoga. 

I like to say that my baby has taken me over; he tells me what to eat, when to sleep, and he allows me to do a little or a lot in a day.  He's so worth it though.  I feel him moving around through out the day.  I tell my massage clients that they have two energy healers, and he's quite good, haha.  I have a feeling he's going to be pretty funny. 

We had such a fun retreat!  We went snowshoeing or cross country skied everyday.  I hired different local guides to take us to fun new locations.  We hiked to Rainbow Lake on this day.

​Hans was one of our favorite guides!  He has an excellent sense of smell, which was great because we would have been lost without him.  Also, it was so fun to see him jump through 3 feet of snow to get his stick.

Angie was our first guide with her trusty dog, Hans.  She was so wonderful about helping us get our straps right with our snowshoes and making sure we were able to hike well in them.  She's also very sweet and funny.

My favorite time to do yoga is at sunrise because that's when our subconscious loves to purge which helps us feel really balanced and energized all day.  It's also a beautiful time to gaze out the window while doing yoga.

We had some lovely guest teachers at the retreat including lovely Sound Healer, Emma Kelleher.  She helped us sleep so good that night!  Sound Healing is where the teacher plays healing bowls that are tuned to different chakra frequencies.  She intuitively plays them balancing all of our chakras.

I loved the storyteller's stories so much I forgot to take pictures.  She told us great ghost stories from Breckenridge and Keystone!  Viki and David really enjoyed the stories and Amber's yummy food.

Usually I help create the menu and do the shopping, but Amber did it all on this retreat and she was ommazing.  We had two sugar and gluten free guests and she made delicious meals with gluten and sugar free options.

Not only did Amber cook for us, she also taught us how to cross country ski!  She quoted my cousin; "you aren't really learning unless you're falling."  We learned how to fall well.

Hilarie really mastered skiing after a few goes.  It was so fun to see her get comfortable going down hills and gliding on the snow.

​I'm so blessed to do what I love with people I adore, thank you!

​ I met Viki in 2005 in Rochester, Washington when I taught yoga in an old classroom every Thursday. Viki had gone to school in the room I was teaching yoga in 60 years earlier. Viki is always laughing, makes everyone feel welcome, will help anyone if she can, and is always up for an adventure.
​
​Our Rochester, Washington Yoga class is fantastic and the majority of them still do yoga together every week since 2005! They not only do yoga together but they also help one another when it floods, if someone is sick, or if someone just needs some extra help. Most of them volunteer at the Food Bank and the schools. We often would have dinner or chocolate and wine after class. Our Rochester Yogis aren't just a class, we are a community that helps one another be our best. Not only that, but these group of yogis convinced me to put on my first yoga retreat in 2007 on Whidbey Island! And then another one on Orcas Island in 2008, and then those yogis got me to put on my first Hawaii Yoga Retreat and the rest is herstory ; ).

​ This is Baby Viki with her Daddy, Frank in Bremerton, WA, 1945 (If you look at the first photo of Viki above and baby Viki she still has the same smile-laugh)

Viki was the first baby born in the new hospital in Bremerton, Washington in 1944, during World War II. Her dad was working in the Navy Ship Yard. That hospital is now a nursing home and Viki jokes that she; "can go up there and die in the same place I was born and go full circle." Her mom and her mom's mom had a pie and chili shop outside the navy yard.

The women in Viki's family have been creative, ambitious, and have a "can do" attitude just like Viki. A year after Viki was born her mom became pregnant with Viki's little brother and she decided to have more support so she moved to Monument, Colorado where her mother-in-law and father in-law had a tree nursery.

Her dad would  stay with the military to finish out his service for two more years at the Navy Base and in the Pacific where he was a part of the Army Core of Engineers that helped clean up after World War II. He even helped clean up after WII in Iwo Jima, but he wouldn't ever talk about what he saw there. ​

 They always had a cow or two (and Viki still has a cow or two), a garden, and canned a lot of their fruits and vegetables. Her dad traded a pig for their first television. Her dad worked wherever he could including the coal mine, logging, he drove a CAT that helped build the freeway in Southwest Washington, and he was a mechanic. He was the most talented at being a mechanic, he could fix anything. He ended up at Dairy Gold where he fixed their trucks until he retired, twenty years later. ​

​ Elsie Peterson Schrader  Viki's mom, Elsie and her dad, Frank met in Colorado working on the ski slopes. They fell in love and the rest is history. Elsie decided to stay home with her five kids until they were all in school. Once they were all in school her mom worked sewing gloves at Churchill Glove Factory in Centralia.

She moved onto to being a house parent at Maple Lane School for Girls where girls were sent for running away often from abusive situations and sometimes girls who committed some criminal offense. She worked nights until her kids all graduated and then moved onto becoming a counselor and then an administrator. Viki's mom worked nights at Maple Lane to start, but soon worked her way into cottage supervisor and counselor.

She loved working with those girls and helping them gain confidence, which is what Viki also loved to do! Elsie became active in the union when she nearly finished with a degree is sociology at Saint Martin's College in Olympia. She got a job with the Federation of State Employees as an area representative--which was unheard of in the 1970's for a woman to hold that position.

She is still recognized by local and state union people as a progressive and advocate for people who needed to be represented in the workplace. Elsie's mother, Viki's grandma, struggled to have stability in her life since she married young and had children young with an unreliable man who became an alcoholic. She left him for another man who was also not that great. Elsie watched her mom find jobs and make life work for her family and that might be part of her passion for women's rights.

Elsie became a member of National Organization of Women (https://now.org/now-foundation/about-now-foundation/) which is an organization that helps women achieve full equality through education and litigation. When her mom saw injustice she did something about it just like Viki. Elsie even went to the National Conference in Houston as the WA Representative in the mid 70's.

​It's funny because when I think of Viki I often hear her saying in my mind; "don't try to find a man to find your wholeness, find friends, a job you love, and the "man" or partner is just the icing on the cake." Okay, she didn't say it in those exact words but that is what she meant. Her mom was also a mover and a shaker in the local Olympia YWCA where she encouraged women to find their confidence. I, Vanessa, remember going to the YWCA after I graduated college when I couldn't afford nice business clothes and they let me pick out three professional outfits which helped me land my Big Brothers Big Sisters of Thurston County job.

​
 In 1962 Viki graduated from Rochester High and went to Eugene, Oregon to live with her Great Aunt Sue who was a professor there and paid for Viki's college. Her Aunt Sue died of breast cancer in the middle of her sophomore year, so after transferring to a dorm in Eugene Viki decided to move to Seattle Pacific College.

Viki's boyfriend, David, was going to college at SPC and they ended up getting married two years later, in 1966. She is still married to him and they continue to make one another light up after all these years. Viki graduated college with a BA in English and a minor in Education.

Shortly after college, 1966, they moved to Ithaca, New York so David could go to Cornell Law School, but in 1968 David was drafted, luckily to Europe instead of Vietnam. He went to basic training in New Jersey and Viki continued teaching in Ithaca, New York.

In 1969 Viki finished her teaching contract and moved to Worms, Germany where David was stationed. They lived there for a year and traveled all over Europe together and had a fantastic time.
 
In 1970 they moved back to Ithaca for David's 2nd year of Law School and Viki teaching again in Ithica as well as finishing her Masters In Education.

After ten years away from home Viki and David decided to buy David's grandparents acreage in Independence Valley, Washington. This is a gorgeous area but the house was a big project because it was old and didn't have water or a septic tank and was many miles from town. 

In 1978 her first son was born. He was very sweet and was also challenging because he had down syndrome. Then a year later their 2nd son, Zach arrived. He was also wonderful but because of a mistake at the hospital he was born with cerebral palsy. He was also a wonderful baby but with some extra challenges. These fantastic boys were a blessing but it was hard for Viki to be alone much of the time in a house without a septic, water, or a real kitchen with two special needs babies. This was a time where she went through a hard time and needed some help. 

In 1973-77 Viki taught 7th and 8th grade and had 3 foster kids during that time.  When Viki's children were 5 and 6 she lost her mom and that was the biggest and most difficult life transition. She decided to get some emotional help and went to therapy and got some medication as well as a book she called; "her bible" called Feeling Good www.feelinggood.com/books/ by David Burnes. She used the book like a workbook and would go to different chapters and work through exercises to help cultivate her positive attitude that she had lost. She retrained herself using that book. 

No matter what happens in life we can choose to be happy or not, sometimes it means asking for help, or using medication or/and amino acids, but we do choose. With Viki's new attitude she had the energy and confidence to take the lead in finishing her house. She got money from the bank, had her neighbor draft a floor plan, and hired her brother as well as had herself and David to help build her new kitchen. Slowly, but surely Viki helped lead the way to finishing her home and now it truly is heaven, it feels and looks like a retreat center.

​Viki was the pioneer in Rochester to get special needs kids in the classrooms. Zach only had physical limitations but was fully sassy and smart as a whip growing up. Ben had more intellectual and emotional challenges, but Viki helped integrate both her children and they did great. Viki was also on the school board from 1986-2012 advocating for special needs and she was very effective.

​ Viki's first retreat was a Yoga and Detox Retreat on Orcas Island in 2008. She loved the yoga, but she didn't like detoxing because it made her constipated. So, she said she would go on the next yoga retreat that wasn't a detox. Viki's first Non-detox Yoga Retreat with me was on The Big Island of Hawaii in 2011. I was in massage school on Maui at the time so it was such a treat to see her. She flew out on her own and I picked her up at the airport and enjoyed a beautiful intimate yoga retreat with Carole, Barb, Tami, Viki, and our chef in Hawi.

​I felt called to share about verbal abuse because October is National Domestic Abuse month and I know many people who are in or who have been in abusive relationships including myself.

I just finished reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and it was fantastic for understanding, evaluating, and learning how to diffuse verbal abuse and/or have healthy boundaries with people who are being abusive.

Everyone has verbally abused and been verbally abused but there is a huge spectrum on the severity.  As a child I was verbally abusive to one of my siblings because I didn't know how to handle my own hurt.  It wasn't okay that I did that and once I realized how hurtful I was being I made amends to them. 

Some people have been verbally abusive to me and I normalized it until I got emotionally overwhelmed in high school and had to deal with it.  Alanon (friends and family of alcoholics and drug addicts), counseling, and yoga really helped me. 

A lot of our behavior is inherited from generations of our family not dealing with trauma.  My great great grandparents came from Ireland where they were pushed out of their homeland because the English shipped out most of their food so when there was a potato famine thousands of Irish starved to death or left their families, land, and culture to survive.  That's how my Irish relatives ended up in New York.  Some people are able to adapt and heal well from trauma and some are not.  Some of my Irish family members took to the drink and their lives were cut short.  So many people in our culture numb themselves with alcohol or other drugs because they don't know how to process old traumas. 

It's hard to be a good parent if your own emotional needs aren't met.  My parents did an amazing job with us, but no matter how great we parent we always have some challenges that we give to our children.  My mom always hugged us because her mom never did.  My dad always made sure he was in our lives because his dad wasn't.  Our parents are always trying to do better than their own parents. 

I believe we are supposed to have challenges in our lives, that the trauma that is passed down to us is one of our greatest teachers.  But it can also be our biggest demon if we ignore it.  Just like verbal abuse, it's now okay to be abusive or be abused, so how do we recognize it and what do we do about it?

Verbal abuse can happen in so many venues; romantic relationships, family, sports teams, school, church, anywhere there are relationships.  Patricia Evans has wonderful questionnaires for each category. 

​Here are five simple behaviors that reveal verbal abuse:

​'1. They can try to take away your independence. 

Signs of verbal abuse and manipulation can start off subtly. At first, it may not seem odd that your loved one is jealous when you’re with other friends or family members, but if they’re stopping you from leaving the house without them, you should step back and assess the situation. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a verbally abusive loved one may also monitor your comings and goings. Additionally, they may tell you when you can or cannot leave the house, and even decide what you can wear. This controlling partner may diminish your independence in other ways as well, such as through overriding your choices or controlling your money. Sharing funds or a bank account is one thing, but your loved one should not be making all your financial choices or taking your money from you. 

2. They may intimidate or threaten you. 

Unfortunately, some of the clearest signs of domestic abuse are the most dangerous. Threats and acts of intimidation from a loved one are unignorable. They are also unacceptable. You should never be in a position in which your loved one makes you feel unloved and unsafe. Even silent intimidation is considered verbal abuse. Body language makes up more than half of all communication, and intimidating body language is a major red flag in a relationship.
 
If a loved one is following or stalking you; looking at you or acting in ways that scare you; trapping you in your home; or damaging your things by throwing, kicking, or hitting when they are angry, seek help from someone you trust.

3. They pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. 

Coercion is another form of verbal abuse that may not be easily recognizable. Coercive loved ones might convince you that you owe them favors because of your relationship. If this is the case, you should look at the situation objectively and remind yourself that your first obligation is to yourself and your safety. If your loved one is pushing you to make a choice you don’t want to make or forcing you to have sex, know that they shouldn’t be making you do anything that goes against your personal comfort level.

 4. They can gaslight you. 

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation used to make victims question themselves and their own sanity. If your loved one is gaslighting you, they may tell you blatant lies or say that you’re making up stories or imagining things. This exhausting, dangerous manipulation tactic takes place and grows over time. It might not be something that you notice at first.
We all occasionally feel we’re too sensitive or that we’re doing everything wrong; however, if you’re constantly second-guessing yourself because your abusive loved one questions your point of view, you may be the victim of gaslighting. Ask someone you trust for their objective opinion of the situation and remind yourself that you aren’t always wrong.

 5. They can make you feel worthless. 

Offensive language and insults are more obvious signs of verbal abuse, but they aren’t the only routes your loved one may take to affect your thought patterns and sense of self. An abusive loved one may offhandedly tell you that you do everything wrong; or that you’re a bad child, significant other, or parent.
 
In addition, verbal abuse can be the absence of verbalizing. The “silent treatment” is a dangerous tool used to ignore the needs of another person that makes them feel as if they are not worth it.
 
This individual may also threaten to withhold attention or affection as punishment or humiliate you in front of friends and family. Try to remove yourself from these situations. Be positive about yourself and seek validation and refuge with supportive friends and family.

Final thoughts 

“It amazes me when education, religion and family values fail to create a human being.” – Anum Sattar

​Domestic or verbal abuse can be difficult for a victim to recognize, especially when it has yet to become physical. This is why knowing the signs of verbal abuse is so important. If you or someone you care about is in a potentially abusive relationship, seek out a path to safety.'
https://www.powerofpositivity.com/verbal-abuse-relationship/

f you are realizing that you are in an abusive relationship or just want to improve your self-care then here are some ways to improve your confidence:

1. Realize that you are in an abusive relationship.

 Read about verbal abuse and discuss with a counselor or trusted friend.

2. Seek support and receive support:

verbal abuse can slowly erode your self-esteem and the best way to heal that is being in the company of those who remember and recognize our authentic self.Counseling: most insurance covers counseling even state insurance.  If you don't have insurance there are many counselors who do sliding scale.

ACOA: Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 Step Program.  There are phone meetings and meetings in most cities and towns.  Many people who enter abusive relationships grew up in an alcoholic home, so healing from that can help you have a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

Alanon: Friends and Families of Alcoholics and Drug Addicts.  There are also phone meetings and meetings in most cities and towns.  Alanon is great for overcoming co-dependency and most abusive relationships involve alcohol.

Yoga: commit to 1-5 yoga classes a week.  Yoga helps slow the mind and connects us to our higher self.  Yoga is also a great place to make good friends.

The longer the pain and negative emotions are bottled up, the more harm the abuse does to you.  Being able to talk with trusted friends and family about the experiences you have been through will help you process and heal from the trauma of being verbally abused.

The most difficult aspect of getting support is being able to receive what is being offered.  Often trust has been diminished by being with an abuser.   Being able to receive love and affection is hard, yet receiving support is essential for healing your wounds.  

3. Affirm your value and honor your self-esteem  

Reclaim your rituals that increase your connection to yourself such as: journal, pray, meditate, walk alone in the woods or by water, go to church or your temple, sing, dance, make art, or whatever makes you feel connected to your higher self. 

Part of affirming personal value is to set healthy boundaries and to stick with them.   

​What's important with being assertive is knowing what you will choose to do if someone isn't going to honor what you need. 

​
​An example would be;
"When you drive fast when it's icy I feel unsafe because it's easy to spin out and get in a car accident what I need from you is to drive slow when it's icy."

If the person you asked this to isn't willing to go slower you have to decide what you will do such as; not be a passenger in their car anymore.

The important part of having boundaries is sticking to them.

4. Forgive yourself, patiently

Recognize and accept personal responsibility for your part: getting into and staying in a relationship with someone who didn't respect you.  This is very liberating and helpful for not getting into a future abusive relationship.

Forgiving ourselves can be difficult because we allowed somebody else to treat us poorly, we trusted and enabled their demeaning behavior, and for letting them use and lead us astray. 

Patience is required because a little bit heals at a time.  When we are blessed with allowing forgiveness a large shift can happen. But our spirit and fullness of heart returns in time.

5. Laugh a lot

Laughter makes the heart smile.  Be around people who make you smile, watch funny movies, and be around people who are happy.

6. Empower our willpower  
​
Depression, also known as deep resting, is a normal part of healing from trauma and abuse.  To break free of this shadow side comes from within and happens when we are ready.  Daily routine, exercise, cleanliness, selfless service can all help in building our willpower.  Learning to say no, breaking old habits and establishing new patterns all develop willpower. ​